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Saturday, April 19, 2008

Beginning

I'm very new to this so please bear with me! :-) I somehow managed to find the website of a military wife earlier today (while I was watching the last hour of work drag by) and it inspired me to try this out. I'm not sure yet what purpose I want this blog to serve but I guess I'll figure it out as I go. The official countdown is now at 89 days until I get to see Justin again. I'm so excited about seeing him graduate. I'm so excited about seeing him period! lol It wasn't a soldier that I started dating in August of 2006, but it's a soldier I can't wait to see in July 2008. Justin and I spent so much time together while he was still here...and it's been such a shock never seeing him, or talking to him or touching him. How do you prepare yourself for an 180 degree change like that? I spent so much time at his apartment that I practically lived there! 99% of the time I had clothes in the washer, food in the fridge, not to mention all the shampoos, conditioners, lotions and toothbrush that lived in his bathroom. :-) It was completely normal for me to go to work and then head to Justin's until 1 am or so, then home to sleep for a few hours before waking up to do it all again. How many evenings did we spend in the living room with him playing Madden and me making him listen to whatever music I was into at the moment? Or how many times did we curl up under the comforter and watch Talladega Nights and 300? I can't help wonder how many text messages were sent during the hours we were apart. We may not have always been together but we were always in touch. I'd give so much to be able to ask him what he's up to, and hear his standard reply of "Nada." Even more, I'd love to hear him call me Sugar. Somewhere along the way that became our endearment. :-) Without him here I feel...off. I can't come up with the right word to describe it. Empty, lost, alone...kind of but not exactly. Maybe it's a mix of all of them. I'm not dying without him. I hang out with friends and usually try to find something, anything, to do to pass time. I've done things by myself that he normally would have taken care of or at least helped with. Things like buying a car battery (not to mention a whole new car), fixing the stereo problem in my car, and a million other little things. I have a life without him, but it just isn't as full or complete as the one I have with him. My friends are amazing! I couldn't ask for any better because they put up with the fact that somehow or another, I'll always find a way to bring Justin up. They've written him letters and sent him jokes. They put up with me on my down days just like they do on my up days. :-) As great as they are though, none of them can fill the spot he's left in my heart. That's why I keep moving. My goal is to never stop from the moment I get out of bed, until the moment my head touches the pillow. My grandmother always told me that idle hands are the devils workshop and I think the same sort idea applies now. I have a tendency to over analyze everything and with time to just sit and miss him...I just become a train wreck. Time passes so much faster when you keep busy and if there is one thing I want, it's the days to fly by . I can't see him soon enough! Every night, after I write him a letter, read my favorite parts of his letters, and say a prayer for him and all our other soldiers, then I imagine the moment I get to see his face again. Sometimes I can almost feel his arms around me, holding me tight and that's when I let the tears fall. Some days are easier than others, while some seem like they just won't ever end. The hardest part of the whole thing is not being able to communicate with him. My best friend is 6 hours away and now that training has gotten more intense, I'm doing good to get a letter a week. Still, I can't help but feel lucky. Justin isn't in the middle East like so many are. I know without a shadow of a doubt that he would love to be there doing his part, but I'm grateful that I can know he's here in the States. After he gets home from BCT and AIT, he's going to do the ROTC at MSU. Things will be so crazy with both of us in school, me working 40+ hours a week, and his Guard duties but I absolutely can't wait. I want to pick our lives back up and move on down this road with my soldier. There's a lot about the future that I don't know, but I want to learn it all with him.

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